July 30, 2019
There are times when sometimes I surprise myself with how I am able to will things from the invisible to the visible. I speak a thing; God hears it and then says, “You got it.” Sometimes it feels as though the progression from the conception of a dream to its manifestation takes seconds, and sometimes it feels like it takes eons. I just know that at the end of the process of wishing, hoping, and praying the supernatural seeds will ultimately produce what I desire.
So, here I am in a state of finally receiving something that I have prayed so long to finally receive. I stand overlooking the new territory of matrimony. I have spied this land for so long and envisioned the beauties untold of being forever joined to the one who was created for me to explore and journey the path with until death do us part. Over the years, I have crouched with binoculars carefully examining every aspect of what I could see within the land of marital bliss. During those times of observing my hopeful future area of travel, I did happen to see some not so grand displays of marital reality.
I saw impatience, misunderstanding, hateful communication, immaturity, distrust, envy, jealousy, infidelity, disrespect, abuse (verbal, physical, and mental), ego, and a host of other unsavory characters intermingling with unsuspecting individuals! I quickly spoke that those villains would not approach me during my long stay within the land of rings and vows. How naive I was to think that I could escape spying the land without being seen by some of those culprits of unhappiness and marital discontent! Now as I steadily approach upcoming nuptials, I have been visited by some of the characteristics whose attention I ducked to avoid while I was looking upon others’ marriages.
I have been a traveler on my own journey for awhile now, and I have learned how to navigate the land alone. Through peaks and valleys, the lessons have been brought to a common ground of anything can be solved with the leadership of God and unconditional love. I thought that being with an added bonus of a fellow journeyman would make the rest of my travels much easier. That has been proven to be a partially faulty notion because whenever you involve humans, there must always be room for personal growth and adjustment in the presence of another whether under positive or negative circumstances.
Having now encountered the reality of being in situations where I have not always behaved in an evolved manner regarding my future “other half”, I have considered the ideas of the unwanted unknowns and “what-ifs” of wedlock. Taking two people from two different sets of travels and setting them towards the same unconquered land is a daunting task, and I have thought maybe I wasn’t supposed to venture into the land of marriage.
I have definitely contemplated if it is indeed where I have been dispatched to go. I have wondered what if marriage is a mirage on my journey. What if I really have not been called into walking into the possibility of being lawfully committed to my ordained husband? What if we succumb to the villains? What if they overtake us, and we aren’t strong or committed enough to fight them? How will living in this new land challenge and change us? Will our marriage change us for the better–developing us and making us stronger as pieces to the whole? Are we called to make the world a better place as a union?
While I was nearly immobilized by the what-ifs (sparked by running into the doubt-inducing villains), the questions were then silenced by the peace of God. I was comforted by the reassurance of remembering that every new leg of my journey (especially the rocky transitional beginning to my new home of life) started with the same questions of fear. I understand that some of the what-ifs are rooted from wisdom, but I also fully realize that most of them have stemmed from being afraid of this particular canonized and over-romanticized unknown.
Honestly, in transparency and vulnerability, seeing the humanity and frailty of the reality of the unknown triggered my own insecurities and weaknesses. I have done so much internal work on myself, but I still have so much work left to do. However, just as with the other unknowns that blossomed into beautiful and divine experiences, I must walk by faith and definitely not by sight. I have work to do, but so does he. Where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. We will support and strengthen each other and grow together. We are both willing and able to love one another with unconditional love, and God is with us. As I was drawing to the positive, self-made conclusion of my internal dialogue, I heard God say three amazing words… “I am present.” I. Am. Present.
That was all that I needed to hear. I know that I will be just fine. I am destined to walk in the direction of my exceptional beloved, and we are to continue together. We are blessed and protected, and as we take each and every day one step at a time, we will be able to proceed as two complete explorers guided by the same compass.